Sure, I've made movies where I've done all sorts of kinky things, but truth to tell, handballing has never been something that turns me on. Usually the idea of it is sexy enough, but the doing? Not so much.
On my first shoot they wanted to have me fisted and so I pried my ass open for a week with a dildo the size of a Milky Way bar. It did not work. Oh I was always a power bottom but it's an entirely different experience (as I'm sure you who are reading this know all too well).
Still, I've had plenty of kink in my life over the years although most of it has been more or less what happens between my ears. Finding someone who can play with me that way has always been a challenge (although not impossible). Usually the other guy just wants to fuck. That's nice but doesn't really turn my motor on.
Part of this fantasy life includes uniforms and other kinds of dress up scenarios which I was introduced to just over 20 years ago by a fantastic guy that I played with all night long. He dressed me up in football gear and I spent hours and hours in orgasmic pleasure (getting fucked by three amazing tops that he called over of course helped the pleasure but wasn't the total cause of it).
I've never forgotten that night and it often occured to me that I could buy my own gear .....but the thought wouldn't go further than that.
And then I went to International Mr. Leather.
I was tooling around the leathermart with Chandler and Justin, a couple of the judges and new friends, when I discovered a Montreal based leather shop selling leather football pads. Naturally I tried them on overcoming the self consciousness that's come with becoming a Daddy type this past year (you know, the 36 inch waist.. horrrors!). The pads felt great. It was fucking heaven. But it was also $300 and I wasn't sure that I wanted to blow that kind of money... and after having been through a long period where things were kind of thin financially, I've been left with a bit of a Depression era type attitude. I'm not stuffing dollar bills in my mattress but well, we've all been through the wringer these past few years, right?
Anyway, we moved on to the next booth and then the next, I was on the hunt for a leather cowboy hat to complete an outfit I wanted to wear that night to opening ceremonies, and then I saw it - a booth selling ratty gym dvds and poppers and next to the stack, two authentic football pads for sale, cost: $50. Like a child unwrapping a bar of chocolate knowing full well there's a golden ticket inside, I tore into the straps and struggled to get it on hoping that it was my size.
As it happened, some random guy came over to help me and as he loosened the one, I tried on the other. It fit beautifully. He got the other one on and slipped it on and it fit beautifully on him too. I kinda thought it was a match made in Heaven until he mumbled something about having to catch up with his boyfriend. I was crushed, but not before we banged up against each other a couple times. Yeah, it probably sounds dumb to read and it's vaguely embarassing to write.... but at the time, in the moment, it was hot. <blush>
So I bought it. Everyone was like - 'how are you getting that home?" and I kept saying "I'll figure out something" worrying that the FedEx charge would be enormous. They're not really that heavy, but they are bulky (which is sort of the point). Turns out that my fetish cost me just another $20 to get it back to New York. And now it sits in my apartment atop a bookcase, just ready to tackle me when inspiration strikes.
The lesson here?
First, you don't need to spend a lot of money to indulge your kink.
Second, don't delay indulging your kink. As long it's safe, sane and consensual, there's nothing shameful or embarassing in your desires whatever they may be.
Third, I've said this many times before - try everything once because you never know what's going to flip your buttons. And by the way, if you dream it, there's someone else out there who is into it too. The internet is built on this principle.
This Sunday, June 22nd hundreds of men will be on W. 27th St. here in New York indulging in all sorts of fantasies - time for you to come on down to Folsom St. East and find out what yours is!