Now the thing about the Black Party which starts at 10pm Saturday night and runs til Sunday afternoon at 4pm is that well, we all know you're not staying up enjoying the event on good thoughts and that the Party can be a little … overwhelming.. be sure to wear at least one piece of leather (a wallet doesn't count) and don't bother wearing underwear (you don't want anything impeding access, do you?) ..so here are ten tips for enjoying the next 48 hours (and staying alive):
1. The first thing you need to know is that the bottle full of beer that someone takes up their ass every year is filled with water. It is not real beer. If it was, they’d be dead.. or else they have a scary high tolerance. Do Not Try This At Home (and consequently some queen will be trying this before even finishing reading this entry).
2. If you didn’t plan ahead and take Monday or Monday AND Tuesday off, it’s time to lay the groundwork for calling in sick on Monday morning. How? Facebook. It’s your best friend along with Twitter. “Got up and felt my throat is scratchy” can be something you Tweet Sunday morning as the sun is burning through your corneas upon exiting from Roseland. This way, the co-worker who is trying to bust you by cyber stalking your social media accounts will have a harder time of it. Use the craze to your advantage!
3. Hydrate. Yes I know the water at Roseland is ridiculously expensive. Deal with it and drink drink drink drink. And no, do not try to fill up your water bottle in the bathroom. Even I, who am like Scrooge McDuck in my spenthrifty ways will part with a few bucks for a fresh water. Besides, many clubs have caught on to this and turn the cold water off during these kinds of parties (I don't know if Roseland does that or not but another club in NYC used to be notorious for it) Do not be one of those people carted out on a stretcher. Sure, you might meet a cute paramedic, but if you're passed out, how can that happen?
6. Dear Lighting Guy/Gal – those flashes of bright light that you’re so fond of really give me a headache and harsh my buzz. They are also dangerous for borderline epileptics. That new dance move is a guy having a seizure. We are not playing light tag here, I only need to see who I’m dancing with. Either stop it altogether or post a sign telling me what vitamins I need to be on to enjoy them. Seriously. Thank you. (This isn't really a tip, I just had to vent)
7. Gum. Chew it and not your lip. It will also freshen your breath which um will go a long way to finding someone to make out with. Seriously. And you may just meet a hot guy who needs a piece to chew. (Trust me on this one).
8. Take only what you need. You will need your driver's license to get in and it wouldn't be a bad idea to put a couple business cards in your wallet (because writing your number on a napkin and a guy putting it in his sweaty jeans is just begging for a mishap later on) and naturally some money for drinks (and the cab ride home, trust me on this one), your keys, gum and maybe sunglasses if you think you're going to be especially crunchy upon departure. But that's it. Leave everything else at home. You will thank me later.
9. Laugh, dance, have fun fun fun. Don't worry that you don't look model perfect because few do and sometimes those guys don't know how to laugh, dance or have fun fun fun anyway.
BTW chill out with the coat check people cuz there's like 5 thousand people showing up between midnight and three. Coat check is always a nightmare, there's no getting around it... just relax and btw wait until after you've checked your coat to take your vitamins. You'll thank me later. (Although it is amusing for the rest of us to watch someone ready for the dance floor standing in the coat check line buzzed out of their minds but maybe I'm just mean).
10. Plan a time ahead of time to leave. There's nothing worse than the One More Hour Guys who shoulda left hours ago but are hanging on because they're hoping to meet someone but haven't yet. Go, have fun, decide to leave when you're done and don't have a moment of regret. And leave when you feel tired, because (and I'm speaking from personal experience here) no one likes it when you fall asleep while fucking them or they're fucking you. They just don't.
Sometimes its your night and sometimes it's not. Will Clark's Maxim about the Black Party: Like Star Trek movies, only every other one is good (but that's from personal perspective, not an absolute about the event itself). So if you had a crappy time last year, give this year a try, you might be surprised. :)
See you on the dancefloor!