I have not had a good night. I have spent all night tossing and turning not only because I am deeply saddened by the loss of porn star Adam Faust but also because I am unsure about how much to say about it all. As you may already know, it was reported yesterday that porn star Adam Faust was found dead at his parents house having passed away Wednesday night of a heart attack at 38.
We first met in 2005 when I booked him for the then new P*rno Bingo event (see photo, right), then at the 9th Ave. Bistro. I found him to be sweet, charming, nice, genuine. And yes, we played a little and had a nice time. I was still smarting from a nasty breakup earlier that summer so I wasn't entirely available but often thought later how nice it would be to get to know him better. Then he ended up moving out of New York and we lost track of each other. (I don't pretend to know that my feelings of wanting more were reciprocated by the way).
Last year as I was going through yet another breakup (this one was a million times less contentious but still difficult) I ran into him while out tom catting around town. There were a couple of other guys there and the host of the party announced that "Adam" was on his way over. My heart leapt a little and a big smile broke out when he walked into the apartment. We would end up spending the next 12 hours together (we made excuses and left the place we were at) catching up on each others' lives. I was also extremely pleased to notice that the once shy person I had known in 05 was now much more confident and sure of himself. He'd found what it seemed was a nice balance between a fundraising 'day' job and continuing to do video work.
Although I had hoped to see him on his next trip to New York, that was not to be. Maybe I said something wrong or he wasn't interested or .. well, who knows. But I would never see him again.
To be honest, it's rare when I spend any kind of 'behind closed doors' time with other porn stars. I have always felt that because I produce shows that feature the stars, I have a sorta kinda responsibility not to make moves on them. It's always just felt kinda ooky to me.
Ironically, it is the ones who are doing similar things to what Im doing that would be great potential partners for me rather than others I've dated who are stable but who only want me to get 'a real job'. (This is not an indicement, I know that they are genuinely looking out for me).
There will be a lot of speculation about what caused a heart attack in a 38 year old. And from what I knew of Adam's life, some of that is warranted, sadly enough. I'm wrestling with knowing how much to report what I know. Not only does it on one level seem irrelvant but also cruel. A beautiful man is dead, who cares the 'why'.
And yet, there is a silent epidemic that's been killing the men in our community (and making them parnoid and genuinely crazy) over the past 15 or so years... and it has not gone away, and seems to be getting worse.
Should I contribute to it's spread by keeping silent or should I shout from the rooftops - "put down the syringe, put down the pipe, get to a CMA meeting stat!" That is, of course, a simplistic approach - until we, as a community, root out the causes why these addictions develop in the first place, we will continue to deal with the deaths of our friends. When we are gentler with each other (and ourselves) perhaps there won't be a need to find acceptance -- and confidence - at the bottom of a baggie.
And also, before you start tuning up about porn stars and addictions - I remind you that I have seen, just in the last few months, VPs of prestigious book publishing companies and mega giant communication companies have the exact same problems that people like Erik Rhodes and Roman Ragazzi have had - only no one hears about them because there aren't naked pics of them on the internet (although I know in at least one case that I can think of, that there is some web cam footage out there somewhere).
In the meantime, I spent last night lost in 'what ifs' but did not resolve anything nor will I ever. All I can say is 'goodnight Sweet Prince. You gave pleasure to a lot of men and speaking as one of them, I will never ever forget you." Rest in peace beautiful man.