I love my apartment and sometimes, like at holidays when everyone else is off with boyfriends and family and things, it's a great time to sort through the crap that's built up over the past year and simply delete delete delete. I know it sounds dull, but when you have a chest cold and you're hacking coughing like I've been, you find yourself happy to make even the smallest accomplishments.
Yesterday I spent a part of my day getting rid of literally about 200 emails from my account. Some of them were business I'd taken care of already, some of it were nice personal notes from friends, fans and colleagues (filed away appropriately enough under "Nice Notes") and some of it icky stuff from this past year - you know the kind of stuff that happened that you'd rather forget but for some reason we all hold on to. For example, the crazy note from that production company who's promotions department must be run by someone off their meds or that nutty editor who demanded that I write an article and then told me how to manage my time or that un-adoring old friend who made what sounded like accusations that sounded like he was talking about someone else. I can't say that I acted with my best/highest self either in these situations but re-reading them now I wonder how any of these people got themselves into such a froth to start with and why I was consistently the chosen target last summer! Delete delete and oh yeah, delete. I have said for years, the delete button is your friend.
I think it's easier for us to hold on to the bad stuff than file away the good stuff. That's why I originally created the "Nice Notes" file some years ago. I thought I would go back and re-read stuff when I got into a bad place but that's not happened.. but I do focus that there are so many really negative pieces of correspondance that I've held on to. But they are now gone.
But I've kept the nice notes from friends/fans of Adam Faust and Sergio Real, whose deaths startled me. Truly this was an unusual year for the porn industry. So many suicides, so many overdoses. At least from my perspective this was more than I've ever experienced. Thankfully like so many trends, it was a thing for a short time and then stopped.
I've also been able to let go of much of the sadness of my mom's passing and much of the anger that I have felt for my brother and sister. Forgiving is akin to letting go. I can't see a situation where I'll ever have to see them again which is probably just as well. I can forgive them from afar but in person might be something different. I still love the idea that one friend had of making a road trip to my Wisconsin hometown with drag queen and porn star friends and having our own spontaneous Gay Pride celebration right there for all to see. I would love it but the town is relatively remote and it would cost people a few hundred dollars to get there and it just wouldn't be worth it. But I did appreciate the offer to go from many of my friends.
As the end of the calendar year draws near, what can you find to let go of? It doesn't have to be the big stuff.. start with the small stuff and work your way up. You'll find that you have much more room for the good stuff to come on in once you do. Trust me, I know of what I speak.
Have a great Sunday everyone!